What do you think of my college entrance essay for the Fashion Institute of Technology?

I would start out explaining yourself as a person, your struggles, how you came to bne the person you are today, how education will change you, your love for fashion, what you want out of college, what your dreams are, and then I would tie all of that into FIT. Explaining how those experiences have changed you and made you a better person and how you can achieve your goals by going to FIT. It just seems a little generic, personalize it! Have more confidence too, they aren't going to accept you if they think you think you don't have it takes to get in! Just rearange your ideas, take out a few things, add a few things, fix some word usage, and just humanize it, and you good to go!